Suki To Ka Ja Nakute
by Vee-sempai
Summary: Kaoru is forced to decide what she really wants, with some unexpected help... from the man she once thought she loved. Megumi/Kaoru, Sano/Kenshin
1. This Heart Of Mine

  
God, but she was infuriating!   
It was the same as always, those onyx eyes glimmering with smug delight as white, slim fingers played over Kenshin's thin arm, gaze never leaving her own even as the rurouni she held captive squirmed, blushed, protested...  
Dinner always went like this when Megumi-san came. It was even worse when Sanosuke came, and of course, he had tonight. It wasn't that she minded him being there. In fact, it was almost better when he visited, because she liked him a lot, and besides, Kenshin seemed so much happier when he was around. More relaxed, more likely to laugh with his eyes as well as his voice. But Yahiko always insisted on teasing both men about liking Megumi-san, and then Sanosuke got offended and loud, and Kenshin got pale and silent, and Megumi-san took advantage of the situation and flirted with them both.  
It only made sense that she would take offense at Megumi-san trying to get under Kenshin's skin. Kenshin was... well... she was... Kaoru almost blushed, looking down at the dinner the gentle man had so painstakingly made for them.  
But it bothered her almost as much when... when Yahiko would tease Sanosuke about having the hots for the older woman. And... it wasn't only Yahiko. Even when she was talking to Tae-san one day, the waitress had spoken of a future where Himura Kaoru, Sagara Megumi, and Myojin Tsubame would all live in peace and happiness...  
Sagara Megumi... that didn't sound right. She didn't like it.  
came a familiar husky whisper.  
Kaoru looked up from scowling at her congeling dinnner, noticing belatedly that she and Kenshin were the only ones left in the room. she asked intelligently.  
Kenshin's face crinkled into a smile, but it seemed strangely forced. I have to go out tonight de gozaru yo, he informed gently. I may not be back until morning.  
Kaoru blinked at him dumbly. Kenshin usually asked if he could go out... not as if she would deny him permission, but as a courtesy. For him to come out and just tell her, no ifs, ands, or buts, it had to be something important. A battle? Oh, God, not another fight, not so soon after his horrific injuries from Kyoto had finally healed! It just wouldn't be fair! But it would be just like him to not tell her, so that she wouldn't worry. Well, dammit, she was gonna worry anyway!  
That's fine, she returned graciously. Just be careful, Kenshin. Think about consequences before you do anything.  
A brief pallor passed his features, and Kaoru fought back a triumphant grin. It had been almost a year now... she know just what to say to get to him. It was only fair, considering he was going to give her a head full of grey hairs before she was twenty.  
Thank you for your concern, Kaoru-dono, Kenshin returned dryly, turning to go. Shikashi... I'm far beyond thinking about consequences de gozaru yo.  
Kaoru screeched after him, heart springing to pounding life in alarm. When she was met with nothing but silence, she scrambled up as fast as she could, and tore out into the courtyard, only to find the area frustratingly empty of a Kenshin to beat some sense into.  
She stood helpless in front of her dojo, barefoot in the dirt, watching the slowly setting sun paint the walls in shades too achingly beautiful to ever reproduce, choking on her own despair. Kenshin was already gone...  
In some sense, Kenshin had always been gone...  
He's of a world you can never imagine, Kaoru-chan, came a soft, musing tone.  
You think I don't know that?! Kaoru snapped, spinning about, calloused heel digging roughly into the cool ground. Besides, it's none of your business!  
There might have been surprise on the doctor's pale, beautiful face, but Kaoru refused to look for it, pounding up the wooden steps and fleeing down the hallway for her room before she lost control in front of the other woman. She wouldn't do it, she just wouldn't... it was bad enough that Megumi-san thought she was a clumsy little girl with no grace, she didn't need to prove her right!  
Kaoru flung herself onto the futon that Kenshin had so painstakingly folded up for her, tears already stinging her eyes with salty wetness and blurring the room around her. He was gone again... and it just wasn't fair! It didn't even matter if he was going off to fight or not... He was gone. He had always been gone. He had never been hers and he never would be...  
Megumi-san was right. He lived in a different world... and besides, why would he even think of wanting her? He had been nice to her... so much nicer than anyone had ever been , since tou-san died... He had been there to protect her and keep her company so she wouldn't be lonely anymore... And it had almost seemed that sometimes... when he had seen her with the shinai in her hand, in her gi, practicing with Yahiko, he would smile, with that strange look in his eyes... as though... he was happy too, happy as she was, happy that she was...  
That she was...  
Kaoru held her pillow to her chest, her practically flat chest, impossible to accentuate even in the best of light in the loosest of kimono, and stared through wet eyes at her bare, dirty feet. They weren't ladylike feet, and never had been. They were calloused from running barefoot in the street with the girls. They had little scars from where she had cut herself on rocks. They had bruises from where she had been stepped on by students in practice.   
God, she hated her feet.   
Kaoru wept, rocking back and forth on her futon, the pillow damp with her tears. Her kimono hung in the corner, her shinai resting on the floor beside it, other clothing strewn about the room from her impromptu training at midnight last night... It had been fun, tossing yukata into the air and pretending they were enemies she could defeat. She'd gotten all sweaty and out of breath, and taken a bath, then slept again, content, so happy, so sure in herself, with no one around...   
And then those milky-white fingers, stroking Kenshin's arm, black eyes gazing smugly out of a face set atop the perfect body, the very figure of feminine wiles, everything she wasn't, everything she tried so hard to be, everything she knew she never would be... She wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't sultry enough, she wasn't enough of a woman to ever have a man want her. But... But...   
Holding the shinai in her hand, smacking the boys around, having them make fun of her cooking, it... it made her happy... in some sick, twisted way, it made her happy to be everything she was never supposed to be. Her mother would never have approved... but those days she'd spent with tou-san, learning the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, they had been some of the mose wonderful times of her life...  
Swordmanship was something she could do. Swordsmanship was something she liked to do! And it was fun, something she could never say for mincing about in tight sandals and trying to keep her kimono from dragging on the ground. She'd never liked dressing up and flirting with men and trying to land one to marry her. If a man didn't like her for who she was, then why should she like them?  
But it still remained that no man would want her the way she was. And... she'd thought, Kenshin... he seemed to like her, just a little, the way he smiled when she was being... well, herself... and seemed almost unhappy to see her acting like a woman should...  
And she'd never really found any other man attractive. Kenshin... Kenshin, with his soft, long hair, and big eyes... Delicate hands, gentle smile... and how he could cook, and clean, all with a smile, never seeming to mind it at all. And those were things she hated. Hated with a passion. She wasn't good at any of it. Cooking, cleaning, sewing...   
Kenshin had even fixed a gi she'd ripped by accident! He had all the skills she didn't have, and something about that was fascinating.  
But Kenshin was a man, and Kenshin, as a man, was never going to want a girl like her. No man would. And thus... she was going to die an old maid and watch Sanosuke and Kenshin and Megumi and Yahiko and Tsubame and Misao and Aoshi get married and never be loved and be depressed and lonely forever. And all their children would call her and things like that. It just wasn't fair, not fair at all, and all because she liked swordsmanship instead of men.  
Kaoru felt the thought pass through her mind, and blinked at the floor, her heart sticking uncomfortably in her throat. She liked men... men just didn't like her. That was all. And she was bitter. It made perfect sense.  
She... she did like men... of course she did! She was a girl, and girls liked...  
It was better not to think about it, this late, when her head hurt, and she'd been crying... It was better just to sleep... just to sleep it off, and worry over this in the morning when Kenshin was back... when he was back, and he could reassure her...   
Just... in the morning...  
  



	2. Though I Thought I Must Be Strong

When the morning came, she greeted it with a groan of annoyance and a toss of her pillow at the wall. She didn't want to go out there... she wanted to sleep some more. Sleep. And wake up later.  
But it wouldn't be fair to Kenshin, who made their breakfast every morning, who tried so hard to keep her and Yahiko happy and worked so hard for them... Cooking and cleaning and being so good to them...   
Kaoru sighed and dragged herself out of her rumpled futon, flinging her bare feet onto the cool, wooden floor. She stared blearily at her toes for a little while, then sighed heavily. It was only fair that she get up too... she owned the dojo, after all, so it wasn't fair to make everyone else do all the work.   
Or, to let Kenshin do all the work and let Yahiko freeload.  
She padded over the floor, got dressed in a sleepy haze, managed to get the right arms through the right sleeves for once, and then wandered out her door, socks catching on a loose nail sticking out of the floor and ripping. She didn't notice, so much... It was far too early to really care about her socks. It was never the right time to worry about her socks, as far as she was concerned.   
The dojo was eerily quiet, the early morning chill clinging to her limbs and slight wind lifting her still-tangled hair from her back and shoulders. Kaoru closed her eyes, feet taking her along the well-worn path to the kitchen, enjoying the silence... Silence, for once, no yelling, no pots clanging, no...   
No sound at all.  
Kaoru stopped dead in the hallway, eyes slitting open. No sound at all...? Kenshin was a good cook, but even he had to make some noise when he was cooking.   
Unless... he hadn't come back...  
Kaoru froze, a hand flying to her suddenly-trembling lips. He'd said he might be late... But Kenshin was never late! Kenshin was always back, making their breakfast, smiling cheerily and reassuring her it was all right, that he was fine, that he had won again and wasn't going to leave her, that everything was just fine, Kaoru-dono, everything was just fine...  
Her socked feet pounded down the wooden hallway, the kitchen door that was held shut in the mornings to keep it warm still shut, no sounds of clanging pans or scent of cooking breakfast coming forth, no sounds of Kenshin's melodic humming, no sound but her heart pounding in her ears and her feet sliding frantically over the surface beneath them...  
Kaoru's scrabbling fingers ripped open the door, slamming it against the far wall, only to find inside what she had feared the most.  
Nothing.  
Kenshin...  
Kaoru slid down the wall, hand clenching at the wrinkled folds of her kimono, staring bleakly into the dark, empty room, wanting to cry but knowing it would give her nothing but a headache. Crying had never brought Kenshin back. Crying hadn't brought him back with Jin'ei... Crying hadn't brought him back at Kyoto... It wouldn't bring him back to her now. Crying never brought anyone back. She couldn't count the nights she'd cried for tou-san, so afraid he would be killed someday, like when Gohei had pulled that sword on him, when she was just a little girl... and it had never ended, even after he died. She cried and cried, missing him, missing okaa-san, so lonely... and then, Kenshin had appeared that day, and she hadn't been lonely anymore. But... just like before... nothing brought him back but luck. Just like tou-san. Just like so long ago...  
But she cried anyway. She always did. She had never been strong enough not to cry.   
I'm sorry... she whimpered aloud, eyes stinging as falling tears spotted her kimono. I'm still not strong, tou-san... and I'm still not a lady, okaa-san... I'm not anything, and he's gone, and- and- Without him, no one'll ever want me... No one-!  
Kenshin was so gentle, so accepting of her and her strange tendencies, so understanding!... No one had ever accepted her before, not like that, not both sides of her, not all of her, and still stayed... Everyone else had left her, because... she wasn't enough for them... she just wasn't what she was supposed to be, but he had stayed, and he had understood, and... and... If Kenshin wouldn't want her, then who would?...  
Who would, ever...?  
She rose, numb, fingers cold, cheeks wet, forehead already beginning to pound. It didn't make any sense to agonize over it. If Kenshin wanted her, then her life would be worth something. If he didn't, then she would die alone, and that really wouldn't be any surprise. To anyone, least of all her.   
Because... she would have no chance with anyone but him.  
No other man could ever want her.   
She'd tried so hard to be a boy, growing up. It had felt right to play those games, running around in the mud with the boys instead of playing the pretend-adult games with the other girls. She liked swordsmanship, and hating sewing. She couldn't cook, but she could beat up almost any man in the neighborhood. And it had been fine, for so long... Until she had begun to feel...   
So desperately lonely...  
And Kenshin, with his big crystal eyes and delicate hands, his long soft hair that he let her brush and braid when she wanted, his sweet husky voice that could sing in a higher pitch than her own, his gentle and nurturing manner... Everything she wasn't, everything she never could be...  
And yet, there were times when even Kenshin felt strange to her, when he was no longer so caring and gentle, when the angelic smile of the rurouni faded into the harsh, glinting eyes that had to have been the ones Battousai had gazed through... When he no longer seemed so secure, when the emotions conflicted behind his clear eyes, when he came home with blood on his sakabatou and refused to explain why...  
He was in a different world than her.  
He always would be. Megumi-san was right... she would never truly understand him... And none of them really could, except... maybe a warrior like Sanosuke was. And maybe that was why Kenshin came back so much happier after their nights out. Maybe that was why that turmoil went away when the other man was around.  
Or maybe she was imagining everything.  
She had always been so good at imagining things... seeing things that weren't really there. Maybe she was completely wrong about Kenshin. Maybe she was completely wrong about everything. Maybe she was just a poor idiot that everyone catered to rather than hurt her feelings.  
Kaoru wiped her eyes, sniffling painfully. Everyone always tried to spare her, lying, softening the truth, not telling her of danger until it was over, bolstering her courage whenever it would fail... Was she such a little girl that no one trusted her to be able to take any pain at all?  
It might as well be the truth. She dissolved whenever there was the slightest threat to those things she held dear... after all, they had been taken away so many times that she couldn't help but grow a little paranoid... If Kenshin died like her father had died, if she lost him just like tou-san, it would be the end... It would simply be the end.   
She had been so sure she would lose him to Kyoto.  
Tae-san had tried, along with Tsubame... even Yahiko had shown concern for her. They had coddled her just as they always did, telling her everything would be okay, that Kenshin would come back to her safely, that she wasn't gonna be alone anymore...  
But Megumi-san...  
She still remembered the stinging pain as that white hand had cracked over her cheek, those onyx eyes flashing with such anger. Megumi-san never coddled her. Megumi-san had been so cruel that day... so rough, so unyielding, and yet...  
It had been because of her that she'd gone to Kyoto.  
Kaoru winced, remembering the simpering twit she had turned into, such a weak little breakable doll, just like the girls she had refused to play with as a girl, just like them! It wasn't her to fall apart like that, for so long, to refuse to do anything about her problems. All the times before, she'd gone after Kenshin and hit him with a broom. She'd taken charge. She'd been strong and refused to back down until she had gotten what she had wanted. That was the way she was!  
And Megumi-san had gotten her there again.  
It had been... only... the way Kenshin had spoken to her that night... He'd never spoken to her like that before, and he never had since. He'd spoken to her like a man did to a woman, like he would to someone who should be subservient to his wishes, and yet someone he respected with the distance and aloofness of a husband to wife.  
And she had been sickened.  
Kenshin had never spoken to her like that. And... she didn't like it, not at all...! It hadn't been like him to treat her like that. He never had, and it had felt as wrong as anything ever really could. And she'd seen it in his eyes that night, the pain, the loathing, that he hated what he was doing as much as she did...  
And she didn't know what it meant.  
It... it hadn't been the Kenshin she knew.  
Kaoru walked slowly over the cool floorboards, heart fluttering in her throat, stomach twisted slightly in remembered nausea. It hadn't been right. And she'd felt so much more at ease when he had returned to normal with her. After Kyoto. Though he'd seemed distracted lately, he was more like himself than he had been for months.   
She sighed, rubbing her eyes, then glanced up at the gate, the walls silhouetted by the rising sun. She expected to see nothing but the empty road, maybe a stray dog sniffing around for food, and yet... and yet-!  
  
The cry died in her throat, her eyes focusing on the redheaded figure standing in the dirt of the road. Her joy at seeing him safe was choked almost immediately by the unshakeable fact that he...   
He wasn't alone...  
The slim figure of Himura Kenshin was holding fast to someone she knew so agonizingly well, their lips locked in a passionate, yet oddly clumsy kiss. Kenshin's eyes were squeezed shut, shimmering lightly in the weak sunlight as though tears trailed down his pale cheeks, thin fingers entwined in dark hair, lovingly caressing a long, craned neck, as though they were the only people in the world...


	3. Where The Shadows Fall

*aside note* Well... some of you are pretty good guessers! *grins* I didn't list the pairings in the summary because it would have spoiled the story, and there's still another one coming, but you get the secondary pairing in this chapter at least. Sorry if you're disappointed...  
  
Kaoru stared in morbid fascination, fingers cold against her lips, heart fluttering in her breast like it was trying to get free. What... was this...? Kenshin...?  
The heat that exploded in her mind, that of immediate anger and rabid jealousy, was tempered more than she would have expected... by the tears that shone on his pale cheeks, the smile that tugged at those thin lips as they pulled away from the kiss she had intruded upon, the near shyness that glimmered across his face as their eyes met...   
He looked so happy...?  
She stumbled backwards, unable to look away, the heavy air of surreality that clung to the scene choking her. It seemed so wrong, it seemed so right, it seemed as though she were disrupting what should already be, and yet... and yet... How could this have happened? How could this have possibly happened? What had she done so wrong, that Kenshin would have- that he would have- that he would have resorted to-  
To-  
Those brilliant eyes glanced up, the light that was shining inside them lancing through the early morning fog to meet her horrified yet mesmirized gaze... and that sweet smile melted, sudden shock and despair darkening his features.  
  
A sob wrenched from her throat, and Kaoru turned on her heel and fled into her room, her feet taking the same frantic path of the night before, eyes clouded by her own bewildered tears. The same nail ripped savagely at the already-torn heel of her sock, and catching the trailing threads and tripping her onto the cold wooden floor.  
Kaoru curled up on herself, hands clenching into whatever kimono she had thrown on this morning, only a few short minutes ago, and yet... She sobbed into her bony knees, shivering in the early morning cold and not caring, only knowing that this was the end for her, Kenshin didn't want her, no one would ever want her if Kenshin didn't want her, and he didn't, he didn't... Kenshin... Kenshin already had...  
Kenshin already had Sanosuke...  
She was that horrible, that she had forced him to another man? How could anyone be so loathsome? What had she done so wrong that-  
When two arms wrapped tightly around her, she didn't think to protest, only turning to sob into the shoulder that presented itself, the warm embrace holding her tightly and rocking her like a baby who had woken in the middle of the night, rocking her until at last the tears ran dry and all she could do was whimper and shiver against the presence that felt so warm...  
Then two fingers lifted her chin, and Kaoru blinked bleary eyes into a pale face she knew well, a perfect face, a beautiful face, a face that was now set in a stern scowl.  
Megumi-san snapped softly, what on Earth is this? What are these tears for? One delicate finger danced over her cheek, flicking away the tears that still remained there.   
Kaoru stared up at the older woman in baffled surprise, jaw working for a few moments before her cracked voice could even make a sound. You- you must have seen- Kenshin- Kenshin- Kenshin and-  
And Sanosuke? Megumi-san sighed and tossed her long black hair, that damnably perfect hair, then tightened the grip she still held on Kaoru's back. Of course I did. And you should have noticed it long before.  
Kaoru gasped, her jaw beginning to set in that familar grip of anger that took her so often when Megumi-san was around. Seen it BEFORE? What the HELL are you-  
It's really a testament to how much Ken-san worries about your feelings that he's waited this long to get with Sanosuke... I mean, they've both been holding off a long time, she continued, seeming unconcerned with her mounting rage. Ken-san may have horrible taste in men, but I wasn't aware his timing was so bad, too... It's a pity.  
You knew about this?  
The whisper that escaped her throat held less anger than it did guilt, surprise, the soft buildup of tears again... Megumi-san had known? She had known, who saw Kenshin even less? If she had known, then what did it say about her...? She was supposed to be Kenshin's friend, and Sanosuke's friend too, above all else! If Megumi-san had known...  
Of course I knew, the older woman mused offhand. It was difficult to miss how pathetic Sanosuke was over Ken-san, really. And you would have noticed too if you hadn't been so wrapped up in yourself.  
Those last words stung, and Kaoru's head snapped up, the guilt that had been pooling in her heart snapping into rage again. In myself-?! she hissed, almost unable to bear it. I-I- You're one to talk, Takani Megumi! You always hit on the both of them and teased Kenshin and-  
I didn't mean anything by it, Megumi-san pointed out, onyx eyes lit with smug mischief. And they both knew it. You and Yahiko-kun were the only ones who thought I did, you know. And just because you wanted things to work out perfectly for you.  
This time, no words would come. She simply stared, choked by regret and guilt and unspeakable frustration. She was wrong...! Of course she was wrong! She was only trying to get under her skin, the same she always did, when- whenever she was around-!  
I- I love Kenshin, she gritted out, ignoring how difficult it was to get the words past her lips, only wanting to prove her wrong, unable to bear those smugly glittering eyes, unable to stand Megumi-san having proof that she was better than Kaoru was, in every walk of life- It didn't matter that she was, it only mattered that she didn't know it!  
No, you don't, she said calmly.  
It was like a slap in the face, as nearly as substantial as the remembered feeling of Megumi-san's hand cracking over her cheek, that solemn and sure pronouncement. Kaoru reeled in silence, entire body quivering in fear and rage, staring into that perfect face without a single thing to say in rebuke.  
Megumi-san smiled prettily, that slight darkness of warning beginning to take her face. You don't, she repeated, voice menacingly calm. And you know you don't. You want him to stay by you, yes. You want to keep his friendship, yes. But love him? She let her hand rest comfortably on Kaoru's hip where she still held her, but she remained stiff and unwelcoming to Megumi-san's touch. Think, Kaoru-chan. Do you really want to get married to him and bear his children and be his obedient wife for the rest of your life? Do you know what that would be asking for?  
Her voice was growing lower, almost hoarse, as the ladylike sweetness evaporated into that fire she had seen in the black eyes only once before, before she had left for Kyoto, when she had... Kaoru trembled, not quite sure why she was doing so, wanting to break away and run, but knowing with a sick certainty she no longer had anywhere else to go...  
But you were the one who told me I should tell him how I feel...! she protested weakly, unmoving in the older woman's grip. Remember? You told me to-  
So you would know how you were wasting your time, Kaoru-chan! She smiled wickedly, almost cruelly. You already knew you didn't want things that way, deep inside. Apparently... She let her dark head tilt to the door, clearly indicating the... couple... who were still outside in the early morning mist. You just needed to be shocked into realizing that again. You don't want to be a wife, Kaoru-chan. You know that. And Ken-san doesn't want you as a wife. He wants you as friend and family. Why is that so wrong?  
No one else will ever WANT ME! Kaoru fairly wailed, struggling wildly in Megumi-san's grip, heart pounding and aching in unanswerable grief and pain, the words spoken aloud seeming the concrete truth that existed now and forever would exist because the only man who would ever have a chance of loving her loved another man and would never want her and she would always be-  
The slap came as no real surprise, but the words that came as Kaoru reeled back from Megumi-san's astonishing strength were, the tone fierce and unforgiving.  
You stupid little girl! You think that just because the man you had a little crush on loves someone else that your life is over? Don't be so selfish as to think everything is over for you! There is another who loves you, little idiot, and if you give that up now you really ARE hopeless!  
Kaoru staggered back from the blow, then looked up into Megumi-san's face. Her pale cheeks were flushed with obvious anger, full lips set tight and trembling. The cool, unshakable Takani Megumi was quivering in emotion, staring down at her with beautiful flashing eyes.  
And so Kaoru collapsed into her arms and wept, this time not in anger, but in grief, in regret, in guilt, and in some measure of happiness that she couldn't explain.  
  



	4. I Can't Help But Worry About You

The table was rough beneath her fingertips, assuredly cool, but too achingly familiar to be comfortable. She'd eaten too many dinners here, too many breakfasts, made by his caring and gentle hand, and...  
She hadn't seen Kenshin since that horrible moment that morning. The last she had seen of him had been the despair in his brilliant eyes, his thin hands clenching in Sano's gi as he had turned to face her, such fear and horror darkening his gentle face.  
Kaoru sighed, eyes aching from too many tears shed, cheek still stinging faintly from the harsh slap Megumi-san had given her. It was ridiculous that she could still feel it... it had been hours ago, after all, and... She usually recuperated so quickly.  
But the wound it had given her had been so much deeper.   
Kaoru heard the rustling at the doorway long before the voice spoke, but she didn't care... she didn't care enough to lift her head and turn around, her neck drooping until her chin met her hands where they were twisted on the tabletop. It hurt too much. No matter what anyone said, it hurt too damn much and it just wasn't fair...   
  
The deep voice startled her, and Kaoru felt her back stiffen, raising her to a painfully upright posture. Sanosuke's voice was soft, unsure, rumbling a bit as he attempted to remain quiet.  
Kaoru said nothing, staring at the tabletop, uncomfortable heat twisting in her breast, chin shaking so much she had to bite down on the inside of her cheek to keep it still. There was a brief silence, then the gentle rustling rose again, the dark-haired man moving in his typical clumsy fashion to kneel across from her.  
She refused to lift her eyes, unable to look at this man who had once been her friend, who had hidden his heart from her, who had taken Kenshin away, Kenshin... Kenshin, who hadn't even come to talk to her at all! Did she really mean that little to him that he would send Sanosuke in his place?  
It was a familiar pattern, one she had been caught in the circuitous strands of since Megumi-san had left her that morning. She blamed Sanosuke for intruding. Then she blamed Kenshin for being so deceptive, for leaving her, for not loving her like she wanted him to... and then she blamed herself for never seeing it... For not being whatever Kenshin had wanted from her...  
Sanosuke's broad shoulders trembled in a heavy sigh, then one of his rough, calloused hands grabbed onto hers, enfolding them both within the space of five long fingers. Kaoru started, her arm pulling back, heart rebelling at his touch, a touch that she never would have minded two days ago. Oh, to be two days ago...  
'Jou-chan, just listen t' me for a second, he whispered, words falling over each other in his frantic pace. Give me a minute. Let me try n explain this.  
There's nothing to explain, she returned flatly, still struggling to free her hands. Kenshin loves you, not me. And I can't blame you for loving him. So there's nothing to talk about.  
Sanosuke's fingers clutched hers with all his fierce strength, and she relented with a sigh. There was no use in fighting. He was so much stronger than her, and if he wanted to say something, he would. It didn't mean she had to listen.  
Kenshin does love you, he said earnestly, squeezing her hands. I love you too, y'know? It's just... You're like family to him. Like a sister, or a daughter, even... And he never wanted to hurt you, or have you think he was just throwin' you aside cause he didn't like ya at all. And he did try...  
He tried to like me? Kaoru inquired, tone icy and bitter, the sharp whiplash of rejection still lancing through her veins. It hurt enough to lose him, without being humiliated in the bargin! It was that hard for him to even tolerate me?  
His dark eyes flashed, and for a moment, a moment that seared her, Kaoru thought he was genuinely angry. She'd seen Sanosuke frustrated with her before, and that really wasn't any worry, but... No matter how much she liked him and trusted him as a friend, she still had the reflexive fear of him harming her if she were to provoke him too far.  
But the fire there calmed, and Sanosuke took a deep breath before continuing, squeezing her fingers gently in his own. No, he said more quietly. That's not what I meant. It's only... it was one thing that he's always seen you as the daughter he never had. Lotsa' guys would just ignore that and screw ya anyway, y'know. His eyes met hers, and there was a meaningful warning there. Kenshin... jou-chan, Kenshin... He doesn't like girls like that.  
But wasn't he married? Kaoru interjected, wanting to look away from that stern and yet warm gaze, but something inside her unwilling.  
Sanosuke smiled faintly. Yeah. But he was a killer then, too. People change, girl. They learn who they really are. Sometimes it just takes longer.  
So sleeping with men is part of his repentance. The heat inside her chest was turning painful, and the words that slipped past her lips were regretted almost immediately, but it didn't seem to stop her from saying them. Logically, Kaoru knew that what Sanosuke was saying was fair. She should accept it, and it would be unreasonable to expect something from Kenshin that he apparently couldn't bring himself to do.  
Sanosuke's jaw set, and he looked down at their hands for a long time. Kaoru stared stubbornly at the top of his head, studying the mussed hair, remembering Kenshin's thin fingers tangled within those strands... Kenshin's lips on his... Kenshin wrapped up in his arms...  
That's not fair, His voice was shaking, eyes still directed to the table. You know that isn't fair. What do you want me to say? Yeah- His head snapped up, and she was astonished to see his dark eyes glimmering suspiciously, chin trembling. Yeah, I'm in love with Kenshin. Yeah, I knew you had a crush on him. Yeah, I slept with him anyway. I am sorry that you're upset. I am sorry you think you're gonna be alone for the rest a your life. I am sorry you c'n manage to fool yourself that bad. His fingers tightened on hers, unforgiving. But I'm not sorry I love him. And I'm not sorry he loves me. And I'm never gonna be. And it's not fair for you to expect either of us to regret it.  
No matter how much she cried, the tears still came when she didn't want them to, and they came now, stinging her eyes and pouring over her cheeks, falling to spot the old table between them. But- but he- why-  
Why not you? he completed, voice still shaking a good amount. I can't answer that. Neither can he. Nobody can. You can't choose who you fall for, and no matter how inconvenient it might be, you can't change it. All I can tell you is that he cares about you a whole damn lot. He wants to be your friend and be part of your life. If you don't want that, then it's your priviledge. But he cares about you. And I care about you. Things just happened this way.  
Why didn't he come...? she whimpered softly, voice cracking, tears blinding her. Why didn't he come to tell me? Why...?  
'Cause he thinks you'll never wanna see him again, Sanosuke answered, and the pain in his voice was obvious enough to twist her heart. He's damn convinced that you're gonna tell him to pack his bags an' get his perverted ass outta your dojo, and he's afraid to face that. There was a brief pause, then his hand disentangled itself from hers and brushed over her cheek, wiping tears away. You... You're not gonna, are you?  
Kaoru wept, not knowing from where within her the answer had come, only remembering the sorrowful eyes of the Juppongatana, that man, Kamatari... who'd spoken so eloquently and passionately of his love for Shishio, and she'd responded, she didn't know what it was like to be a gay man... but... but...  
If she'd felt so much empathy and grief for a man she had never met before that day, a man she'd fought for her life against, than how could she be so cold to a man who'd done so much for her? Kenshin, sweet, gentle, Kenshin... The Kenshin she teased and smacked with a broom and had so much fun with... Kenshin. Himura Kenshin. The rurouni who had saved her life and oro'ed his way into her heart, as so much more than a crush... as a friend, as family, as someone she trusted and loved as much as she had loved her own parents.  
And someone who accepted her so much more.  
Kaoru blinked her tears away, frantic, needing to see Sanosuke's face, needing the answer to the question that burned so violently inside her.  
Is that why he was so nice? she blurted out. Because he wanted to be who he really was?  
Sanosuke stared at her for some time, and Kaoru realized a few moments too late why. That had made no sense at all...  
And she laughed as she wept, wiping at her eyes and shaking where she sat. Of course! Of course that was why he had seemed so different from any other man! He smiled when she swang her shinai, because... he knew, somehow, that was who she was, who she wanted to be... And he had shared her uncertain shame and annoyance whenever she dolled herself up to wear her kimono... Of course he understood! He wanted her to be happy, because... if she could find it inside her to be happy, then... then maybe so could he...  
'Jou-chan... You... you okay...?  
Kaoru quivered as she continued to cackle hysterically, nodding feverishly in response to his worry. Of course Kenshin would understand! Because Kenshin liked men instead of women, and that was so far out of the ordinary, just like a female swordmaster, and that was why he let her braid his hair...!   
You realize that means I have officially NO chance with men, she giggled, still unsure where the sudden mirth had come from, in the face of a conversation that should be so dead serious.   
Sanosuke patted her shoulder, sighing as he rose to go. I'll tell Kenshin it's okay, he mused, and Kaoru peered up at him as he headed for the door.  
Will... will he want to talk to me? she asked, somewhat more seriously. If he doesn't want to, I- I- he doesn't have to-  
Sanosuke smiled at her, and the fondness that shone in his dark eyes warmed her slightly. He wants everything to be right again. He'll be here.  
Kaoru nodded, calming and wiping her eyes, sniffling. Everything to be right again... everyone to be friends again... God, what was she going to tell Yahiko? She'd been putting him off all day-  
Oh, an'   
Kaoru blinked up at Sanosuke's figure where he was silhouetted in the doorway.  
Who says men are your only option? he queried unassumingly. While Kaoru sat speechless, he winked and ducked out the door.  
SAGARA SANOSUKE-!  
The pot she threw was too late.


	5. As If I Had Been Winked At

  
***  
Well, sorry this update took so long. I was intensely discouraged by some responses I got to this fic, insinuating that Kaoru was out-of-character and such... I almost stopped writing, but I read back over it again, as well as some of the good reviews I got, and decided that wouldn't be fair to either you guys or me. Besides, there is practically NO Kenshin yuri out there... At least, I can't find any. So I feel it's my duty to contribute something to the fandom that's served me so well.  
So, here it is! Megumi/Kaoru, if anybody wants it...  
***  
  
It had been a week now...  
Kaoru heaved a heavy sigh, staring down at the shinai she held. Kenshin had come to talk to her that night, and she had cried a lot, and he had held her and promised he wouldn't go anywhere, and she'd felt so much better...  
He really did care about her. He did.  
There was something reassuring in the fact that he had no attraction to her, she supposed. The horror stories one always heard about men... That they never cared for anything but sex and if they didn't want that from you, they didn't want anything from you...  
Of course, both men she had always seen as disproving that were gay. So maybe it didn't mean anything at all. Maybe they were exceptions because they didn't like girls and...   
she exclaimed out loud, tossing the wooden practice sword to clatter off the far wall, then roll innocently along the matted floor. She'd been thinking about this too long... in fact, she had done too much thinking about this in the past seven days.  
It had taken some time for the wound to ease. It probably would never go away, and she was resigned to that. She couldn't blame Kenshin for not being in love with her. It wasn't his fault... and by his word, it wasn't her fault either. And he would always be there for her. They would always be family. And that was really the most important thing...  
She'd seen him clinging to Sanosuke that night... and somehow, everything had made so much more sense. It had been a side of Kenshin she had never seen before... For once, he hadn't seemed untouchable, invincible... He'd been the one being supported, being protected.  
Kenshin needed someone to lean on too.  
And that was reassuring, somehow.  
Kaoru exhaled heavily and pushed to her feet, padding across the mats to retrieve her shinai. It was going to take some getting used to... though not as much as she would have expected. It just seemed right to see them together... It was nice.  
What a day this was.  
Kaoru returned to her excerises, the shinai whipping through the air, beads of sweat trickling down her back beneath the gi. The familiar motions were calming, hypnotizing... And she closed her eyes, letting breath huff from her lungs in rhythmic sighs, thin shoulders rising and falling, bare feet rocking across the mat as she moved back and forth.. back and forth...  
It seemed like hours, only swinging the shinai through the silent air, muscles burning in both her slender arms and thighs, the only sounds the gentle rocking of her feet and the air displaced by the mock blade.   
Kaoru froze as her senses caught a sound by the door, arms stiffening and holding the shinai in place over her head in the second attack position she had been taught. She swiveled on the side of her foot to lock her eyes onto the doorway, expecting Yahiko there to complain about his chores again. Why he couldn't interrupt his busy schedule to sweep the yard was simply beyond her. Sometimes he was just such a little-  
she gasped, the shinai slipping innocently through her sweaty fingers to clatter loudly on the floor behind her.   
Don't let me interrupt your practice, Kaoru-chan! the older girl lilted, making her graceful way into the room, her pristine white socks avoiding every nail, every knot in the wood. I just came to drop off some herbs for Ken-san, don't mind me. She sat lightly on one of the rolled-up mats against the wall, crossing her legs and smiling engimatically.  
Kaoru blinked at her silently. Megumi didn't break her gaze, her long black hair pulled back from her pale face, silhouetting the elegantly curved neck and sharp chin, coal-black eyes twinkling with something she couldn't identify.  
she finally managed, staring at her feet.  
She sounded smug, knowing, as she always did, and yet even more so, as though she had been expecting the question for some time now.   
You said there was someone else who- who loved me. Kaoru couldn't lift her gaze, an uncomfortable fluttering in the pit of her stomach, heartbeat pounding in her throat. Ever since her utter humiliation had subsided, once she was reassured and secure in her family again... that thought had come back, seeing her face, so flushed with anger and emotion, and she'd never seen her like that before...  
Did I say that? Megumi blinked at her demurely.  
Kaoru lifted her head and stared at the girl for a moment. Megumi cocked her head, toying absently with a lock of her hair, porcelain fingers darting in and out of the glossy strands. she said more than a little sharply. Yes, you did say that, Megumi-san.  
I suppose I may have. Megumi shrugged, exuding an air of not caring in the slightest.  
Kaoru prodded, resisting the urge to stomp her foot in utter frustration.  
Megumi blinked, as though startled out of some long contemplation.   
So who is it? Kaoru snapped, fists clenching. She should have known it wouldn't be easy to get out of her. She should have known better. Megumi wasn't like Kenshin, who she could guilt into telling her anything. Not like Yahiko, who would tell her anything as long as it would make her mad. Not like Sanosuke, who would tell her anything out of affection. Megumi would keep her guessing as long as she wanted to, tormenting her and teasing her until Kaoru exploded. Or commited bloody homocide. One or the other.   
Who is what? Megumi needled.   
Who is it that LOVES ME?! Kaoru burst out, stamping her foot, eyes flashing with annoyance and real anger. God, you're so FRUSTRATING! I KNOW you think you're smarter than me, but that doesn't mean you have to TEST IT, dammit! With all your stupid RIDDLES and all that CRAP-  
This felt good. This felt very good.  
Who do you think you ARE, anyway? You're no better than me! Yeah, you're prettier! Yeah, you might be smarter! But that doesn't make you any BETTER THAN ME!  
Of course not, Megumi soothed, standing up from her perch swiftly, padding over the wooden floor to her side, one hand raising to take her chin. Oh, of course not, Kaoru-chan, I'm no better than you...  
You're NOT! Kaoru shot back, voice rising in both volume and pitch. Stop pretending to care, dammit! Stop pretending! I've never lied to you, never once lied to you, stop PRETENDING!  
Her fingers tightened on her chin, painfully, harshly. I've never lied to you, Kaoru, she said softly, voice deepening, hoarsening, eyes flashing with that same emotion, that same anger, that same passion as that time, that first time, every time Megumi had struck her, every time Megumi had been serious with her... Don't think you've more morals than me. Don't think you're better than me. Her grip didn't loosen, her free hand falling to the back of Kaoru's gi, delicate and slender fingers clenching with a strength she'd thought it impossible for them to possess. And don't you dare ever think I don't care about you. Don't you dare think that ever again. And don't you ever dare say that to my face again, little girl.  
I'm not a little girl, Kaoru whispered, shaking with subsiding anger and a fear she didn't want to think of... I'm not a little girl.  
You are a little girl, Megumi purred, then pushed a fingertip into her chin until Kaoru was forced to look into her face.  
Her pained whimper went unnoticed as the dark-haired girl kissed her forcefully, the hand on her back holding her still, holding her close, tightly and unforgivingly. Her lips were warm, and... soft, somehow, no matter how cruel and ungiving they were to hers. And she shivered in fear, unable to back away, unable to ignore the rush of adrenaline and heat that took her, unable to ignore the guilty pleasure that was searing her.  
And she submitted meekly until Megumi saw fit to let her go.


End file.
